Horoscopes!

By: Aidan Kushner

Aquarius:

Today is going to be a great day. You will go out and seize everything you need to. You will have a burning desire to quench some kind of thirst and this will cause some confusion for you. You may not know what to do to quench this thirst, but you will eventually realize that you must go down to Slurpee Kings and get yourself an apple peach slurpee. It’s considered the best slurpee in the state. 

Today’s horoscopes are brought to you by Slurpee Kings. Come on down and treat yourself like a kind. 

Pisces:

Today will be a day of long awaited victory. An old friend will call you and you will catch up, reigniting your friendship. They will also tell you that you should go down to Slurpee Kings and get the banana souffle slurpee. In fact if you don’t your new found friendship will not last.

Aries:

Right now you feel as though you want to go as fast as you can and get everything done all at once. You need to remember that it’s okay to slow down and go at your own pace. There is no rush. The slurpees down at Slurpee Kings are not going anywhere. There is no need to try every slurpee all at once, you can spread it out and try a new one every night. You have to slow down. Or you could speed up and accept the Slurpee Kings challenge of drinking all ten of our slurpee flavors in one sitting! If you can do it you will get a free t-shirt. Also you will get a promotion for all your hard work.

Taurus:

You will find meaning in a lot of things today. Like numbers. Like the number $5.99 which is the cost of one slurpee down at Slurpee kings, where you can treat yourself like a king. Also you seem to be someone who likes to stay at home. You don’t do much socializing or go out to many things. This is okay to do, but tonight from 5-8pm you will go to slurpee king to get a discounted slurpee at the price of just $4.99.  

Gemini:

You will meet someone that you have an inner connection with. But you will get over eager and scared this person off. You must calm down and just play things cool if you want this person to come back. They need their space. They also need to smell good things, and you can be one of those things. Buy Smell Me Deodorant and this person will run right back to you. 

Today’s Horoscopes are also sponsored by Smell Me Deodorant, the only time you’ll ask someone to smell you.

Cancer:

You must stop asking people to smell you. It’s starting to freak some people out.

You will accomplish something of great importance. This accomplishment will make you want to celebrate with your favorite people. But these favorite people have all recently participated in a scientific study that makes their noses pick up on tiny, tiny smells. That’s you need to use Smell Me Deodorant Super Sonic. This deodorant is so strong that it will put all of your bad, natural smells to rest. And speaking of rest, you have been working too hard. You have to give your body the rest it deserves and you have to smell good doing it.

Leo:

You may feel unsure of what your future holds. You may fear making a decision you will regret. There is no need to worry though. If you get Smell Me Deodorant everything will go your way.

A note from the editor: We apologize for the sponsorship littered throughout these horoscope readings. It’s taking away from the integrity of the readings and we will stop having them here. We hope you continue to read our column.

Virgo:

Big things are going to happen to you today. You will accomplish that goal that has been up until this point impossible for you to overcome. It will be hard and at times will seem impossible. You have a long, rough road ahead. But if you hold your head high, keep going and refuse to give up you will reach your goal. And once you reach that goal you will be rewarded with the thing that has been missing from your life. That missing thing being a Dorsal Vacuum Cleaner. Dorsal Vacuums are the best vacuums money can buy. It will make your house so clean you’ll never want to leave. Your life will finally be complete. 

Libra:

You must stay true to who you are. Temptations will arise to act in a way that does not validate your true self, but you must fight that. The Ventral Vacuum will try to turn you into a consumer of their vacuums. You must fight their efforts and stay true to Dorsal Vacuums. Dorsal is who you are. 

Scorpio:

You are obsessing over the past but also ready to move onto bigger and better things. You may feel like something is missing. You feel like you’ve done everything you’re supposed to do but there is still something that is empty in your life. This could be a variety of things. It could be that you aren’t putting yourself into your work, that you’re romantic life is failing, or that you don’t have enough Dorsal Vacuum cleaner attachments. You have the vacuum but you’re missing the turbo brush, the extension wand, and the ceiling fan tool. Buy all three and get one for free. 

Sagittarius:

You may feel lonely and that you would like to reconnect with an ex. You try to find this person but you have lost contact and don’t know how to reconnect. Unknown questions like this may bother you until you get to the bottom of them. They will go on and on solely stressing you and deteriorating your mental health. But wait, I am getting a psychic message. You must go down to Slurpee King right away and order their strawberry pear slurpee supreme. There you will find this old ex and they will have the same slurpee in their hands. You will reconnect and go back to your house. But wait, this reconnection will only work if you buy Smell Me Deodorant so that you smell good and if you buy a Dorsal Vacuum cleaner and clean your house with it. Your ex will be so amazed by your good taste in products they will be like putty in your hands. Also were sponsored by putty. Come down to Putty Capital and they’ll put putty in your hands.

Capricorn: You may feel competitive and that you need to accomplish more than you have. You will push yourself to do more than you ever have. This will be a difficult challenge but will ultimately be rewarding and fulfill the thing that you are craving. However the only way you will get to that point is if you continue to read the PLN magazine and if you follow Aidan Kushner on all social media platforms at Kushdog77.

Today’s horoscope is sponsored by Aidan Kushner and the writers of PLN. 

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