Nothing is sexier than faith in a higher power
The human race has had a complicated relationship with God. Wars have been started, books have been written, songs have been sung… it’s complicated. One thing that remains constant throughout all our religious confusion is that God and vibrators just go hand in hand. These are my top four vibrators of this year that helped me strengthen my relationship with our Lord and savior.
- The Pussy Gobbler 3000
The Pussy Gobbler 3000 had to be my number one for so many obvious reasons. This vibrator is a subtle underdog, you might overlook it if you saw it in the aisles. Every time I use it I’m reminded of Matthew 7:1, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” It’s sleek packaging makes it apparent to everyone you meet that you are a gal with two things on your mind: Noticing all of God’s creations and queef inducing, leg shaking, orgasms.
- Cher’s Secret
I love a celebrity endorsement! Cher’s Secret is completely shower safe and I had quite the steamy shower experience… I was so close to the most earth shattering orgasm when I actually slipped and hit my head and was pronounced dead for five minutes! I’m so clumsy. While I was out I was able to go to what I can only describe as this heavenly gate, covered in a golden light. A beautiful dildo descended from above and said, “Look upon me child, for your body is my creation and you must never look upon it with shame. I do not make mistakes.” I knew that it was God speaking to me, reminding me that I am never alone despite my insecurities. I actually woke up orgasming! So needless to say…Cher’s Secret is a must.
O-Staff is the most bang for your buck option on this list. I used it with my partner a few nights ago and we were able to reach climax together! I came 5 times with this little fella! I noticed that every time I came I actually remembered key moments in my life where God had been by my side when I had been afraid. By the fifth orgasm I was fully submerged in a vision of my summer just before I had started high school, I was all alone with no direction. All I had in front of me was an open road and the knowledge that God would be with me every step of the way. When my vision quest was over It turned out I came so hard that I didn’t even notice that I had pissed all over my floors and sheets! Thanks O-Staff, I owe you one 😉
- Lizard Tongue
Lizard Tongue is not for the faint of heart…I first used the Lizard Tongue at Burning Man, this was also the darkest time in my life. I was two tabs deep in the orgy tent working overtime on my vagina with the Lizard Tongue while two Swede acupuncturists I met at the Birthing Canal were doing something with my legs that God did not intend. When I orgasmed, I orgasmed so hard that my legs started shaking so violently that I was forced to run in circles for five hours. In those five hours I realized how far I had strayed from His light. Where was I going? What’s my purpose? Where were my pants? Did I leave my molly in the orgy tent? Turns out I had actually taken my molly earlier thinking it was Advil and my pants were stolen by Burning Man raiders. I had spent another five hours trying to barter my way into getting a new pair of pants when I realized that a pair of pants were sitting in a trash can right next to me. I realized then and there that God’s light has never left me, I only had to open the blinds…and that’s the Lizard Tongue guarantee!