By Bradley Rabinowitz
As the fall semester continues on, many college students are hoping that their tuition money will be put to good use. With tuition fees getting even higher as years pass by, as well as online schooling not giving students a full college experience, many are wondering why prices are so unfair, and hoping that there will be help to those who are financially inept. Luckily, the financiers who come up with these prices will discuss these questions and more at their usual meeting place; A large, dark, ominous mansion on a tall, spooky hill miles away from civilization, during the midst of a loud thunderstorm.
“We have our priorities straight” said Charleston Tickner, leader of the Band of Allies Demonstrating Genuine Understanding for Youth Sensiblites (B.A.D.G.U.Y.S). “We know the struggles the average college student faces, so we make it our duty to continuously add on to the stress and anxiety and make ourselves richer in the process. It’s our way of making education just a little bit worse each year.”
Another member, Armstrong P. Nicholson, detailed the organization’s plan to us. “It’s actually quite simple,” he told us, while twirling his large handlebar mustache. “We start by charging them around $9,000 for tuition. And then we add on to it by making them pay $100 for textbooks they’ll only read once or twice. But they THINK they’ll need it every day of the semester! It’s the perfect plan!” He then stopped to laugh maniacally for five minutes, and then continued. “And then, we’ll have them sign up for a meal plan at any of our amazingly tolerable eating establishments. This will cause them to form a dependence, and feel like they NEED to give us more money. Are you following me? And to top it all off, we put in a gift ship full of merchandise of great, useless proportions on our campuses. Because what’s a better way of being a proud sheep than showing the world the masterminds who stole your money! It is so foolproof and devious.” At this point, everyone in the B.A.D.G.U.Y.S. organization broke out into a large maniacal laughter while lightning struck outside the windows behind them.
Many other notable members will be attending this meeting, including evil, aristocratic billionaires Rutherford Marshall Evilton III, Weldon J. Piddlestitch, and Jeff Bezos. They are each to attend the evil mansion meeting to discuss methods of debauchery and money swindling over a nine course meal of endangered animals. Their spirits will be guided by their slogan, “First College Students’ Bank Accounts, Then The World!”. They are also planning to make advancements in their Every Child Left Behind program.
Upon exiting the mansion, our team found an old man in a superhero costume with a “B” emblem on his chest hiding in the bushes, who told us his name was Bernie Sanders. “I will stop them!” the aging hero exclaimed, “Those greedy billionaires will have their reign of terror stopped, and kids will go to college for free. And by my honor, they will feel the Bern! Up, up, and away!” He then proceeded to run forward with his arms extended, while making flying sound effects with his mouth. One can only hope his dreams will come true.