Gamer Girls Now Selling FARTS to Horny Fans

by Ken Wiener

Hello, readers. The other night, I was made aware of a recent trend in both the streaming and TikTok communities respectively. What I read disgusted me to my already rotten core. As I write this, I’m just barely resisting the urge to upchuck my dinner all over my keyboard. Now, I will attempt to ease the pain of knowing by bestowing it upon you. 

You remember when those gamer girls were selling their bath water, right? They were making some serious bank by bottling that shit and selling it to the desperate, disgusting masses that had money to blow. What about when those other ones were selling their used panties? Well, now those damned social media succubi have moved onto a new, even more disgusting form of essence- farts.

That’s right. It’s funny at first. But it’s true. Gamer girls are now farting in cute, pastel mason jars and selling them to the highest bidder. 

Now, we here at Purchase Late Night don’t like to report on shit without reaching out to a knowledgeable source. So I reached out, against my better judgment, to the Purchase student who made me aware of this new phenomenon. I will not be using his real name or identity in lieu of privacy concerns, but yes, he is a photo major. 

KEN: “So, first question is, what’s wrong with you? Why the fuck are you buying farts off the Internet?”

FART COLLECTOR: “Dude, don’t make it sound like I’m buying farts from just any rando on the Internet. Okay? I’m buying them from female TikTokers. They’re bad as fuck, man.”

KEN: “Okay, why their farts? Is an autograph really not sentimental enough for you?”

FART COLLECTOR: “An autograph? Big deal. Who cares? There’s a lot more you can do with a fart. For instance..”

At this point in the interview, he began to vividly explain the multiple uses of a fart jar, to which I responded by immediately ending the interview and going straight home.

But from what I’ve observed from looking into this on my own, is that these girls are farting in cute little mason jars, sealed with cute branded lids and tied with a ribbon. If you pay extra, you can even request she eat a certain gassy food prior to making it. In a TikTok advertising the “flvtulence” line, as one such seller called it, you can confirm your fart’s authenticity for a nominal fee, with a DIY style video of her farting into the jar to a sped up Doja Cat song.

I then sat down with Melanii, the e-girl entrepreneur behind this flatulent fad. She’s made a tremendous amount of money with this new venture, which unfortunately also meant she smelled like the dump behind the Hub. When I began to suspect from the odor that she was also selling poop, she rebuked the claim, explaining that “there’s actually regulations about poop. If there’s actual solid fecal matter in there, it could be a potential biohazard situation.”

KEN: “So, you don’t find it gross, or weird, that people will pay upwards of 200 bucks for a jar you farted in?”

MELANII: “Honestly, like no. Animals know each other by their scents. Dogs sniff each others’ butts to recognize each other. You can watch all my videos, watch all my streams.. and you still won’t know as much about me as if you took a deep, deep whiff of flxtulence. When you smell me, you know me. And you know what’s inside me.”

She was definitely saying some other stuff afterwards, but I was tuning out because I was getting up and leaving again. I know it’s the second time in the same news story. I’m trying not to make a habit of it. But these people are lunatics. I’m sure that’s all you need to know.

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