Top Ten Reasons To Eat Your Hair

By Aidan Kushner

10. It’s natural 

God made the human body to be very resourceful. He gave us hands to prepare food, a mouth to eat it, and hair to eat. It’s printed in the bible (not literally, but it’s interpreted). Almost no one eats their hair in current day life, but if you look back at ancient Egypt they all ate their hair. How do you think they built the pyramids? (it wasn’t with grains) And if you look at who was the healthiest at that time it was always the people with the shortest hair because they just couldn’t stop eating it. 

9. It Gives You Hairballs

This will result in what doctors call “hairballs” to vomit up but it’s a small price for being healthy. I saw someone at the grocery store cough up a hairball and congratulated them on being healthy. It turns out they aren’t healthy but just have a strange amount of affection for their cat. In addition to the hairballs, some of the hairs will be digested and your feces will be stringy, but it’s only a sign of good health.

8. It’s a fun social activity 

It is also safe to eat other people’s head hair. If your partner or good friend is okay with it, you may cut some of their hair off and have a snack. I once tried to eat a girl’s head hair on the first date and it was awkward. So just make sure you know this special person well enough and that they have good, clean hair. 

I want to be clear though, when I say you should eat your hair I mean your head hair. DO NOT EAT PUBES. That’s gross. Keep all of your hair eating habits above the waist.

7. Dying your hair

Dying your hair used to only have the purpose of making you look different, but now it has the added value of making your hair taste richer by bringing it’s natural enzymes to the surface. Many hair experts call it “gourmet hair”. 

6. You can add protein

Some lucky folks out there are blessed with having an infestation of lice. These lice will make your hair snack, into a hair meal with all of its proteins. It’s like a chicken salad. 

5. You can add seasoning

That’s right, stop using that shampoo because your dandruff will be the perfect spice to throw into your lice hair salad. Many hair experts call dandruffs the hair’s natural spice. 

4. You’ll stop clogging your drains

Now with all that hair in your stomach it won’t be wreaking havoc on your sink or shower drains. Having said that, some hair eaters have clogged their own pipes and had to go to the hospital because they choked on their own hair. That leads to the next item on the list.

3. It’s a great excuse to stop washing your hair

Many of the people who choked on their hair had smooth, flowing hair. But if you don’t wash your hair it will become loose and oily causing it to slide right down your throat. No choking involved. And it saves you time in the shower.

2. It’s a great way to get rid of mustache hair

If you’re tired of having to clean up your mustache hair it’s no longer a problem. When shaving it all you have to do is stick out your tongue and catch the hairs as they fall, just like snowflakes. Take note that these hairs however, will not melt on your tongue. 

1. It’s Attractive I know it’s not attractive right now, but since eating hair is healthy, evolution states that some time soon we will evolve to find those who have a lot of hair and eat it, to be attractive. People will say, “who is that hunk of a man who has chunks of hair spewing out of his mouth?” So if anyone wants to go Lady and the Tramp with me over one of my lice infested, dandruff ridden hairs, I’d be happy to.

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