Hello again, readers. I’m sure you all know about how when it comes to dining options, our “beloved” campus is a desolate wasteland, even without the global pandemic’s tragic limitations. Just this year, the Einstein Bros. bagel shop opened, hoping to be an interesting new addition to the.. um.. selection. But like the music majors who befriend you just so you can add them on Instagram, we all forgot about them immediately. Did you know it’s actually open this semester? Yes, from 7:30 AM to 12:30 PM! Unfortunately, about 87% of students on campus are asleep the whole time.
But I digress. I’ve received some top-notch insider info about the Spring 2021 semester and no, it does not include your refund, you fucking idiot. Instead, they will be ‘uprooting’ all their current dining options and ‘planting’ new ones. Starting in February, the campus will be populated not mostly by students, but hundreds upon hundreds of fruit-bearing trees, plants, and other goodies from the earth.
Yeah, that’s where the abysmal Student Services fee came from. It’s funny, because at first it sounds like it was a way to lower the cost of the meal plans by providing alternative food sources, but the truth is, maintaining all these plants will be WAY more expensive, and much more tedious. Students living in the apartments can now expect to hear a horrible racket outside their windows every other day, until at least 5 PM.
On the bright side, this means Purchase is finally starting to provide more food options for its vegan student body! Fuck Terra Ve- enjoy a truly authentic vegan experience by eating your fruit salad right off the shrubs it grows on. You’ve heard of farm-to-table, now get ready for branch-to-mouth!
However, meat-lovers, don’t feel like you’re being excluded from the narrative! Embrace the campus’ new lifestyle and snack on any squirrels and raccoons you can catch. And don’t worry- it’ll only destroy your stomach and bowels as much as D-Hall food does.
by Ken Wiener