Office Workers Crap Outside

By Aidan Kushner:

The Harken-Millgram Oil company offices have a new policy for their employees. They have forbidden having bowel movements in the bathrooms. Now if employees must relieve themselves they are required to go outside.

According to CEO Mr. Harken Millgram, “We feel awful about the pollution we are causing with our oil product. In order to make it up to this beautiful planet we are giving back to it by defecating on it”. The idea is based on the idea of composting, where you take recyclable materials, in this case fecal matter, and put it back into the earth. The excrement decomposes in the dirt and gives back to the soil by producing plants. 

Harken-Millgram employee Amy Tompler said, “it’s nice to get some fresh air and give back to earth. To go to the bathroom the way God intended.” She did specify that she always puts toilet paper around the area she’s squatting in to avoid getting infections. It’s the safe way to go.  

In theory this would be a good, environmentally friendly thing to do for the earth. The only problem is the Harkin-Millgram offices are not located near much natural land. So the employees are going on the sidewalk and/or the parking lot. This is not doing anything for the earth other than making it smell much worse. Not to mention, everytime you walk in and out of their offices, you need a new pair of shoes.

Even though this insane practice is not doing anything for the earth, it is doing wonders for the morale of the employees. Now that everyone is witnessing each other relieving themselves, tensions around the office have faded. Right before they started this practice there was a lot of office drama when Sandra accidentally took Kristen’s ham sandwich causing the whole office to take sides and be divided. Greg Snarpes said, “After seeing each other push doodies out every morning, fighting over silly things like sandwiches just don’t seem relevant. We’ve all gotten closer because of it”.

Although I don’t understand this practice I will say, for as dirty as their parking lot is, their bathrooms are extraordinarily clean.

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