Joe Biden Sits Down to Reflect On All the Hardships He Faced During the 1980 Election. Discusses Watergate, Taxes on Tea, The Black Death, and more.

After a long and tiresome race, our team at PLN got to sit down with President-elect Joseph Biden and talk about all that went down during his past electoral campaign. He spoke long and with passion, although he may have misremembered a few events.

PURCHASE LATE NIGHT: What inspired you to run this election year?

JOE BIDEN: Well, one day about three years ago, I was talking with my old running mate. What’s his name, uh… Barry… Bonds, right? Anyway, we were just talking about all of the issues our country is facing. There were so many unfair things going on. Like, why hasn’t that tax on tea been lifted yet? It’s outrageous! So I decided to step forward and stop this malarky.

PLN: What other issues did you prioritize during your campaign?

BIDEN: Well, I’ve been all about disease control this year. I swear, I won’t stop until we find that vaccine for polio, it’s near and dear to me. And of course, we gotta put an end to the big pandemic affecting the world right now. That’s right, this bubonic plague is the worst, but it won’t stop me! It may have wiped out half of Hiroshima, but it won’t get the best of us. I’ll be sure to get Dr. Jonas Salk on the case right away. Those bats won’t know what’s coming, even after they turn back into vampires.

PLN: Do you have any message you want to say to Donald Trump, now that his presidential reign is coming to an end?

BIDEN: Yeah, don’t let this make you think we’re done fighting your policies. We all know what you did with Watergate. You’re never gonna put a hand on Gorbachev’s birth certificate ever! He led Russia with great ease, along with Josef Stalin, Groucho Marx, and John Lennon. Even old Ronnie could see it. That’s right, Ronald McDonald had more integrity than you George Washington. That’s who I was running against, right?

PLN: Not exactly. Anyway, do you have any other last things you would like to share with us today?

BIDEN: Well, all I have to say is; 1980 has been a rough year, but I am not a crook. Give me liberty, or give me a big stick. And yes we can have sexual relations with that woman. Have it your way, and …

We tried to decipher what Joe Biden was trying to say near the end, but it just sounded like unintelligible mumbling and screeching. He also tried to talk to who he thought was Kamala Harris, but was actually just a piece of burnt toast. Here’s to the next four years America, we’re going to need all the luck we can get.

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