By Tom Morrow
In what has been called the deal of the century, The Walt Disney Company secured a whooping Seventy-five kajillion dollar deal on one of it’s biggest acquisitions yet; your very own intangible human soul.
“It was really only a matter of time” said Disney CEO/Future World Emperor Bob Iger “We are always trying to figure out ways in which we can connect with the common person. We discovered that the best way to do that was to salvage your very own human existence and make you our company property. It was so obvious in retrospect.”
As part of this new acquisition, every single one of your moral decisions must adhere to your new corporate overlords. All of your personal problems must be said aloud in song, your diet must consist of at least three dole whips a week, and you have the option of buying a fastpass to heaven. While this soul-package does include a lifetime pass to every Disney park in the world, if you even think about going to a Universal park, you will be locked into a windowless room for seven days, watching the entire series run of Dog with a Blog on a continuous loop. Don’t say the mouse didn’t warn ya.
We asked the big the cheese what he thought of this deal, and Mr. Mouse had this to say; “Oh boy! All of you miniscule, putrid mortals cannot even begin to grasp the magnitude of that we hold over your domain. Your soul is only the beginning, soon our power will control all who live on the surface world, and we shall wreak havoc on the living and rejoice as their flesh cowers away at our hands. And the rivers shall flow with the blood of non-believers! Hot dog, it’s sure to be fun! Tootle-loo!”
Regardless of whether or not you think this is a good idea, one thing is for certain; it’s still better than watching Rise of the Skywalker or going on Stitch’s Great Escape one more time.