Just About Fucking Had It With These Goddamn Charmin Bears

by Erin Wenke

I know for a fact I am speaking for everyone when I say I have HAD ENOUGH of those evil fucking Charmin bears, always singing their stupid little songs about wiping their asses. Maybe the toilet paper shortage of 2020 made us a tad touchy, but for as long as I can remember I’ve always despised these unpleasant beasts of the advertisement world. What the fuck are they so happy about? What overwhelming privilege do they have when all that matters to them is what toilet paper they use? It’s depressing and infuriating at the same time. Don’t even have live TV these days? If you’ve ever paused in the middle of Hulu, they might just pop up on the screen, reminding you to fucking enjoy the go. Charmin bears, how about you go fuck yourself? Assuming I paused the show to take a dump. You’re full of it, and no amount of wiping can change that.

No more of these commercials. We cannot allow them to continue the Charmin Cinematic Universe, giving us completely unwarranted glimpses into the strange, bizarre lifestyle of the Charmin Ultra Strong Family. Before we know it, there’ll be a Nick. Jr show chronicling the young cubs as they impart lessons of brand loyalty, and the importance of keeping your asshole clean, onto our stupid and gullible children.

So let me ask, Procter & Gamble, what is your objective when showing us these egregious commercials? Do you think we wanna be aware of the silly, humiliating process of wiping our asses? You think these funny colorful bears singing funny songs is what makes us pick your brand? Your bears should be more like the Snuggle bear. The Snuggle bear is polite. The Snuggle bear doesn’t make me look at his asshole.

If you wanna sell me toilet paper, here’s a tip, buddy: cut out the fucking musical numbers. I want you to (WITHOUT MAKING EYE CONTACT) tell me the brand name, why I should buy it, and apologize for interrupting me. I am extremely opposed to trophy hunting, and actively condemn the needless slaughter of innocent animals just for an ego boost. But mark my words- next time those fucking bears show up on my screen, I will kill a real life bear, maybe even an endangered one, and place its disembodied head on the steps of the D’Arcy Masius Benton & Bowles advertising agency that created those horrible mascots in the first place. Your hineys may be clean, but your hands will forever be stained with blood. 

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