I know things seemed to be going really well for us, and neither you nor I wanted to mess with the weird, unspoken balance we were finally having. For once, we weren’t arguing. You weren’t having your usual hissy fits, you weren’t complaining about my music being too loud, and you weren’t being a total bitch about me hogging the bathroom all morning.
But I heard you talking shit to your mom again, man. I was outside your room, about to ask to borrow twenty bucks to buy another case of Four Loko. Honestly, I’m not sure what your problem is. Why should I have to turn my music down just because you’re in class? The world doesn’t revolve around you. Also, it’s Zoom. There’s a mute button. And the more you complain about 100 Gecs exacerbating your tinnitus, the more obvious it becomes that you’re just a close-minded basic local hater who can’t let people enjoy things or have fun.
I said in the roommate agreement that I would be using the bathroom a lot in the mornings because I get hungover. I established that. Why should I have to get out when you need to use it? Last I remembered, this was a first-come, first-serve kinda society we’re living in. So next time you need to brush your teeth and I’m already in there blowing mad chunks into the toilet, either grab a mint and carry the fuck on with your day, or get up earlier.
Lastly, I don’t care that you don’t think I should be throwing parties because there’s a pandemic. When you go to college, you socialize irresponsibly. It’s the natural order. I didn’t wanna have to say it, by the way, but I think you trying to stop me from neglecting the general well-being of others in pursuit of my own fleeting enjoyment is very Nazi-esque of you. It’s totally totalitarian. It’s my right as an American to ignore the needs of the greater community because I need to have fun.
By the way, COVID doesn’t even stand a chance against me. I’ve contracted and thoroughly handled multiple sexually transmitted diseases in the past year alone. So you should stop trying to make me feel bad, and maybe start thanking me for building immunity by scoring some hot New Media major poontang.
by Ken Wiener