Elevators Only go Down Now

By Thomas

In Purchase College’s never ending strive for perfection and unending construction that always seems to be going on some place on the campus, the school has recently announced that all elevators on campus will only go down. 

Some would say that this change has been a long time coming for Purchase College, a school that has like zero athletes. The issue is that elevators are  a convenient substitute for taking the stairs. Limiting the function of elevators will force students to use the stairs and get in a little bit of exercise. 

If you are reading this, and now worry that your life will become more difficult, then fear not. Because elevators will still be going down. But they do not go up. Purchase College expects to see an increase in students using the stairs to go up, but not to go down. This will hopefully decrease the fatalities caused by people falling down stairs on campus. 

The biggest concern with this new rule, is how it will affect handicapped students. The school stated that handicapped people should only be using lifts that are designated for handicapped people, which will remain fully operational. Instead of elevators for able-bodied persons. So this doesn’t really affect them. 

The school is investing in new technology to enforce these new elevator rules. If students attempt to continue to use elevators to go up, a loud noise will play from the speakers of the elevator that can be heard beyond the elevator. The idea is to embarrass everyone inside by revealing that they broke the rules. 

If anyone who is not handicapped tries to use a handicapped elevator and is not assisting anyone who is handicapped, then the scanners in the handicapped elevator will detect the selfishness and deliver an uncomfortable static shock to the passenger. After suffering this punishment, one may in fact become handicapped. 

If you find this new change to be upsetting, then you are the kind of person who caused this to begin with. Lazy people like you are the reason why the school is forcing us to exercise. Come on. Don’t you know there’s a gym on campus?

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