By Bradley Rabinowitz
In a recent press conference from 20th Century Fox, details about new, upcoming projects were announced. These include another Croods sequel titled The Croods 3: What Are Those Fiery Rocks in the Sky?, an animated reality show The Real Housewives of Gru’s Minions, and another Peanuts movie that’s going to be taking a shockingly more mature direction.
“I’m proud to tell you about this” said 20th Century Animation co-president Robert Baird “We’re finally going to explore the true, cruel origins of everyone’s favorite dancing beagle. After deciding to leave the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm once he became of age to join the military, his happy-go-lucky attitude turns into despair as he becomes face-to-face with war torn Europe. He quickly becomes a hardened soldier, hell-bent on destroying everything in his path, shooting anything that moves, and painting the walls with the blood of his enemies. The flying ace grapples with his sanity and bloodthirst as he becomes obsessed with taking out the Red Baron once and for all”
Inspired by the success of Fox’s own Joker, the new film Snoopy’s Red Dawn is going to examine the darker aspects of Snoopy’s character. Story developers have told us they are excited to show the grizzled complexities that were always within the beloved canine. “We’re really going to make him more down to Earth” one writer told us “I mean, even in the comic strip, he clearly has PTSD. It triggers his fight-and-go response. He once beat up Linus because he was in a delusional episode and thought he was the enemy! Look it up! That actually happened! So yeah, instead of dancing on a piano, he’ll be dancing on the blood and guts of those German bastards”.
A new department of 20th Century Animation will be created just for this movie, the “Splatter Department”. Snoopy is expected to kill over 300 people, via guns, knives, his bare paws, and his own rabid teeth. Woodstock will also play a part in this film, as he struggles to maintain his relationship with his carrier pigeon/prostitute girlfriend. Happiness is a warm gun indeed.