What’s The Deal?! I Murdered Someone at Pancake Madness and Hid Them in the Muffins…All I Got Was this Big Ass T-Shirt!

By Cally Mansfield Ummm what’s the deal purchase?? Last year, I went to SUNY Purchase’s famous event “Pancake Madness” and I had a total blast as per usual. I was greeted at the door with a plate and forced to avoid eye contact with a bunch of scrambled egg troughs before I arrived at theContinue reading “What’s The Deal?! I Murdered Someone at Pancake Madness and Hid Them in the Muffins…All I Got Was this Big Ass T-Shirt!”

Joe Biden Sits Down to Reflect On All the Hardships He Faced During the 1980 Election. Discusses Watergate, Taxes on Tea, The Black Death, and more.

After a long and tiresome race, our team at PLN got to sit down with President-elect Joseph Biden and talk about all that went down during his past electoral campaign. He spoke long and with passion, although he may have misremembered a few events. PURCHASE LATE NIGHT: What inspired you to run this election year?Continue reading “Joe Biden Sits Down to Reflect On All the Hardships He Faced During the 1980 Election. Discusses Watergate, Taxes on Tea, The Black Death, and more.”

MOVIE THEATERS TO BE CONVERTED INTO HOTEL ROOMS

In the wake of Covid-19 forcing businesses both big and small to close their doors, movie theaters have been among the hardest hit. Movie theaters were gross enough before people suddenly cared about the spread of germs. Now, movie theaters have been collecting dust as people opt to stay healthy and save money, time andContinue reading “MOVIE THEATERS TO BE CONVERTED INTO HOTEL ROOMS”

Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Kid They’re a Robot

By Bradley Rabinowitz 10. You know, the reason why you have trouble expressing your feelings might be because we haven’t planted the emotion chip in there yet. 9. It’s about time we tell you why you feel so connected to R2-D2. 8. You were made to be the best kid ever. And I mean thatContinue reading “Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Kid They’re a Robot”

Office Workers Crap Outside

By Aidan Kushner: The Harken-Millgram Oil company offices have a new policy for their employees. They have forbidden having bowel movements in the bathrooms. Now if employees must relieve themselves they are required to go outside. According to CEO Mr. Harken Millgram, “We feel awful about the pollution we are causing with our oil product.Continue reading “Office Workers Crap Outside”

Movie Review: Incel in the City

By: Calder Mansfield “The heartwarming tale of four bros looking for love–if women would just stop being such whores” We all know Darren Star as the creator of Emily in Paris and Sex and the City. Despite both America and France deeming Emily in Paris, “an unholy abomination that spits upon the flags of AmericaContinue reading “Movie Review: Incel in the City”

FCC BANS ALL CHRISTMAS MEDIA UNTIL DAY AFTER BLACK FRIDAY

By: Holly Day With Halloween being a few weeks ago, Christmas is just around the corner. So what are you waiting for? If you don’t get up right now and buy something for everyone you know, then you’re gonna be empty handed when the ol’ 12/25 comes rolling around. You don’t want that to happenContinue reading “FCC BANS ALL CHRISTMAS MEDIA UNTIL DAY AFTER BLACK FRIDAY”

Purchase’s New ‘Berry’ Interesting Dining Option

Hello again, readers. I’m sure you all know about how when it comes to dining options, our “beloved” campus is a desolate wasteland, even without the global pandemic’s tragic limitations. Just this year, the Einstein Bros. bagel shop opened, hoping to be an interesting new addition to the.. um.. selection. But like the music majorsContinue reading “Purchase’s New ‘Berry’ Interesting Dining Option”

Gamer Girls Now Selling FARTS to Horny Fans

by Ken Wiener Hello, readers. The other night, I was made aware of a recent trend in both the streaming and TikTok communities respectively. What I read disgusted me to my already rotten core. As I write this, I’m just barely resisting the urge to upchuck my dinner all over my keyboard. Now, I willContinue reading “Gamer Girls Now Selling FARTS to Horny Fans”

College Tuition Financiers to Have Annual Meeting at Spooky Evil Mansion on Top of a Hill During a Thunderstorm

By Bradley Rabinowitz As the fall semester continues on, many college students are hoping that their tuition money will be put to good use. With tuition fees getting even higher as years pass by, as well as online schooling not giving students a full college experience, many are wondering why prices are so unfair, andContinue reading “College Tuition Financiers to Have Annual Meeting at Spooky Evil Mansion on Top of a Hill During a Thunderstorm”