Okay, You Know What? I’m NOT Sorry For Party Rocking
I know things seemed to be going really well for us, and neither you nor I wanted to mess with the weird, unspoken balance we were finally having. For once, we weren’t arguing. You weren’t having your usual hissy fits, you weren’t complaining about my music being too loud, and you weren’t being a totalContinue reading “Okay, You Know What? I’m NOT Sorry For Party Rocking”
Just About Fucking Had It With These Goddamn Charmin Bears
by Erin Wenke I know for a fact I am speaking for everyone when I say I have HAD ENOUGH of those evil fucking Charmin bears, always singing their stupid little songs about wiping their asses. Maybe the toilet paper shortage of 2020 made us a tad touchy, but for as long as I canContinue reading “Just About Fucking Had It With These Goddamn Charmin Bears”
Disney Acquires the Rights to Your Soul
By Tom Morrow In what has been called the deal of the century, The Walt Disney Company secured a whooping Seventy-five kajillion dollar deal on one of it’s biggest acquisitions yet; your very own intangible human soul. “It was really only a matter of time” said Disney CEO/Future World Emperor Bob Iger “We are alwaysContinue reading “Disney Acquires the Rights to Your Soul”
What’s The Deal?! I Murdered Someone at Pancake Madness and Hid Them in the Muffins…All I Got Was this Big Ass T-Shirt!
By Cally Mansfield Ummm what’s the deal purchase?? Last year, I went to SUNY Purchase’s famous event “Pancake Madness” and I had a total blast as per usual. I was greeted at the door with a plate and forced to avoid eye contact with a bunch of scrambled egg troughs before I arrived at theContinue reading “What’s The Deal?! I Murdered Someone at Pancake Madness and Hid Them in the Muffins…All I Got Was this Big Ass T-Shirt!”
Joe Biden Sits Down to Reflect On All the Hardships He Faced During the 1980 Election. Discusses Watergate, Taxes on Tea, The Black Death, and more.
After a long and tiresome race, our team at PLN got to sit down with President-elect Joseph Biden and talk about all that went down during his past electoral campaign. He spoke long and with passion, although he may have misremembered a few events. PURCHASE LATE NIGHT: What inspired you to run this election year?Continue reading “Joe Biden Sits Down to Reflect On All the Hardships He Faced During the 1980 Election. Discusses Watergate, Taxes on Tea, The Black Death, and more.”
MOVIE THEATERS TO BE CONVERTED INTO HOTEL ROOMS
In the wake of Covid-19 forcing businesses both big and small to close their doors, movie theaters have been among the hardest hit. Movie theaters were gross enough before people suddenly cared about the spread of germs. Now, movie theaters have been collecting dust as people opt to stay healthy and save money, time andContinue reading “MOVIE THEATERS TO BE CONVERTED INTO HOTEL ROOMS”
Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Kid They’re a Robot
By Bradley Rabinowitz 10. You know, the reason why you have trouble expressing your feelings might be because we haven’t planted the emotion chip in there yet. 9. It’s about time we tell you why you feel so connected to R2-D2. 8. You were made to be the best kid ever. And I mean thatContinue reading “Top 10 Ways to Tell Your Kid They’re a Robot”
Office Workers Crap Outside
By Aidan Kushner: The Harken-Millgram Oil company offices have a new policy for their employees. They have forbidden having bowel movements in the bathrooms. Now if employees must relieve themselves they are required to go outside. According to CEO Mr. Harken Millgram, “We feel awful about the pollution we are causing with our oil product.Continue reading “Office Workers Crap Outside”
Movie Review: Incel in the City
By: Calder Mansfield “The heartwarming tale of four bros looking for love–if women would just stop being such whores” We all know Darren Star as the creator of Emily in Paris and Sex and the City. Despite both America and France deeming Emily in Paris, “an unholy abomination that spits upon the flags of AmericaContinue reading “Movie Review: Incel in the City”
FCC BANS ALL CHRISTMAS MEDIA UNTIL DAY AFTER BLACK FRIDAY
By: Holly Day With Halloween being a few weeks ago, Christmas is just around the corner. So what are you waiting for? If you don’t get up right now and buy something for everyone you know, then you’re gonna be empty handed when the ol’ 12/25 comes rolling around. You don’t want that to happenContinue reading “FCC BANS ALL CHRISTMAS MEDIA UNTIL DAY AFTER BLACK FRIDAY”
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