A Glimpse Into the Hot, Yonic New Music Genre: Pussy Music

One thing’s for certain: music about the vagina is becoming more and more mainstream. You may have heard Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion’s ‘WAP (Wet Ass Pussy)” and the outrage it generated from old conservative bats with dry, shriveled up snatches. While it may not be easy to believe, it took the efforts ofContinue reading “A Glimpse Into the Hot, Yonic New Music Genre: Pussy Music”

Peanuts to Have Gritty, R-rated Reboot Focusing on Snoopy’s Time in WWI

By Bradley Rabinowitz In a recent press conference from 20th Century Fox, details about new, upcoming projects were announced. These include another Croods sequel titled The Croods 3: What Are Those Fiery Rocks in the Sky?, an animated reality show The Real Housewives of Gru’s Minions, and another Peanuts movie that’s going to be takingContinue reading “Peanuts to Have Gritty, R-rated Reboot Focusing on Snoopy’s Time in WWI”

Elevators Only go Down Now

By Thomas In Purchase College’s never ending strive for perfection and unending construction that always seems to be going on some place on the campus, the school has recently announced that all elevators on campus will only go down.  Some would say that this change has been a long time coming for Purchase College, aContinue reading “Elevators Only go Down Now”

New Study Reveals That Repeat Viewings Of 1992’s The ButterCream Gang Raises Likelihood of Juvenile Arrests By Up To 79%

By Jack Alano There are many factors that can turn a young person towards the wrong paths, a bad home life, economic issues, along with those from being of a non-dominant class, race, ethnicity, or personal identity. All of these have been studied for decades on their effects of at-risk youth, but a newly publishedContinue reading “New Study Reveals That Repeat Viewings Of 1992’s The ButterCream Gang Raises Likelihood of Juvenile Arrests By Up To 79%”

The Issue of Egress at the Store

By Thomas People have had it with the frustration caused by oblivious people when shopping. Retail companies all over the world have recently begun to make conversions to the layout of their stores. These changes seek to eliminate traffic jams in stores and enable people to actually move around and go where they want toContinue reading “The Issue of Egress at the Store”

PERSEVERANCE ROVER ANALYSIS CONCLUDED: MARS SUCKS

By Jack Alano “Awe-struck by the night sky here on Mars, but cold enough to freeze NASA’s champaign glasses in 0.31 seconds. Pricks.” ~NASA’s Perseverance Rover It’s been almost two weeks since NASA successfully landed its fifth Mars Rover on the surface of the red planet. The mission’s prime objective is to search for tracesContinue reading “PERSEVERANCE ROVER ANALYSIS CONCLUDED: MARS SUCKS”

9 out of 10 Misogynists Agree: Sexism Wouldn’t Be Such a Problem if Women Weren’t Such Bitches All The Time

In a recent poll done outside many of our nation’s gyms, bars, and Ed Hardy T-shirt shops, it has been reported that a majority of male misogynists would tone with their sexism if women would just tone with their bitchiness like, just once. “It actually isn’t that hard to understand” says resident Long Island douchebagContinue reading “9 out of 10 Misogynists Agree: Sexism Wouldn’t Be Such a Problem if Women Weren’t Such Bitches All The Time”

Okay, You Know What? I’m NOT Sorry For Party Rocking

I know things seemed to be going really well for us, and neither you nor I wanted to mess with the weird, unspoken balance we were finally having. For once, we weren’t arguing. You weren’t having your usual hissy fits, you weren’t complaining about my music being too loud, and you weren’t being a totalContinue reading “Okay, You Know What? I’m NOT Sorry For Party Rocking”

Just About Fucking Had It With These Goddamn Charmin Bears

by Erin Wenke I know for a fact I am speaking for everyone when I say I have HAD ENOUGH of those evil fucking Charmin bears, always singing their stupid little songs about wiping their asses. Maybe the toilet paper shortage of 2020 made us a tad touchy, but for as long as I canContinue reading “Just About Fucking Had It With These Goddamn Charmin Bears”

Disney Acquires the Rights to Your Soul

By Tom Morrow In what has been called the deal of the century, The Walt Disney Company secured a whooping Seventy-five kajillion dollar deal on one of it’s biggest acquisitions yet; your very own intangible human soul. “It was really only a matter of time” said Disney CEO/Future World Emperor Bob Iger “We are alwaysContinue reading “Disney Acquires the Rights to Your Soul”